Week 1: “Girl, what even is football?”

Football for Hot Girls: A Beginner’s Survival Guide

If you’ve ever sat on the couch fake-smiling while your boyfriend crashed out over a bunch of grown men in tight pants trying to catch a ball, this one’s for you.

Whether you’re a newbie to the game of football, dating someone who treats his fantasy team like a second job, or just wondering why Sundays suddenly turn into a national holiday for half the year…welcome. You’re exactly the hot, confused girl I made this guide for and you’re about to become dangerously informed.

So... what even is football?

Think of football as one giant group project with too many people involved and not enough snacks. Let’s break down who is in charge of what:

• Quarterback: The loudest one in the group chat. Thinks they’re the hero. Screws up? Blames everyone else. Still gets paid millions because apparently throwing under pressure is a personality trait. 

  
  

  

  Denver Broncos QB, Bo Nix, arguing with Head Coach Sean Payton.

• Wide Receiver: These guys are like the girl who does all the work, runs everywhere, catches everything, and still finds time to post a fire game-day fit. Has main character energy and the best Instagram following. Rarely underpaid and always overdressed. 

  
  

  

  Philladelphia Eagles WR, DeVonta Smith arriving in his gameday fit.

• Running Back: The overachiever who does way too much and still doesn’t get enough credit. Fast, fierce, and always dodging people who want to ruin their day (relatable). Basically, the girl who shows up to the group project with coffee, highlighters, and a backup plan, but still gets blamed when it falls apart. Carries the team on their back (literally) and still gets paid less than the dude yelling directions behind them. Make it make sense. 

  
  

  

  Philadelphia Eagles RB, Saquon Barkley, hurdling backwards over a Jags defender.

• Offensive Line: Your besties blocking toxic people (aka defenders) from messing things up. These are your real ones—loyal, lowkey, and massive. Usually the biggest guys on the field (and yes, probably a little overweight), but don’t let that fool you—they’ve got hearts the size of Texas and probably know all the words to a 90s R&B ballad because their Momma raised them right. No spotlight, but always the first to throw hands for their QB and the last to ask for credit. Kings. 

  
  

  

  Tampa Bay Buccaneers All-Pro OL, Tristan Wirfs, consoling QB Baker Mayfield.

• Defense: The villainous ex who’s just waiting for you to slip up. Lives to ruin your moment. Gets paid to hit people, cause drama, and then flex like they invented tackling. Honestly? Kind of iconic.

  
  

  

  Houston Texans Legend, JJ Watt, in pre-game lineups.

• Coach: The silently judgmental teacher watching your group fail in real-time.  Usually dresses like an over-caffeinated dad figure in khakis and throws headsets or clip boards when things go sideways.

  
  

  

  Current LA Chargers Coach, Jim Harbaugh, back when he wore khakis and coached the 49ers.

Final Play: Hot Girl Homework

Still a little lost? That’s alright! You’ve got all season to fake it ‘til you make it – and trust me, you’re already ahead of the game. Knowing the key players of the game contributes tremendously to your “know-it-all” football game book.

So before the season starts, here’s some hot girl homework:

• Pick a team. (Choose by city, colors, or cute players – or even which quarterback looks like he'd text back. Priorities.)

• Watch the first quarter of a game and try to spot one of the roles we just broke down.

• Casually say, “That was a clean route,” even if you don’t know what that means. Bonus points for confidence.

• Reward yourself with wings, pizza, and a cocktail. You earned it, queen.

Come back next Sunday for a breakdown of flags, fouls, and why your boyfriend is screaming “THAT WAS PI!” because it probably was and he probably is.

See you on the sidelines.

– Tylee